It happened. That thing you hoped wouldn’t. You know, that thing you had no control of.
In writing and in life, I keep coming back to this theme: We are not in control.
Words are flowing out like
endless rain into a paper cup
They slither while they pass
They slip away across the universe
First the tears fall down your cheeks. Tiny pools of sorrow dampen the floor.
Pools of sorrow waves of joy
are drifting thorough my open mind
Possessing and caressing me
There was nothing more you could do. You did your part. You did all you could. The rest is up to God. You still believe God, don’t you? Yes? Good. Then there is no problem here.
Nothing’s gonna change my world
Nothing’s gonna change my world
Nothing’s gonna change my world
Nothing’s gonna change my world
Still, it’s not fair! Your spirit rebels. I’ve got this, my child. It’s not right. You cry out because you’re hurting. I’ve got this. Let it go. Do you trust me?
So you cry. You cry until you feel dry. There are no more words left to say. This was never about you and what you wanted. It falls under the category Higher Purposes. My ways are higher than your ways you recall. My thoughts are higher than your thoughts.
Truth seeps in. Doubts sit down for a while. Cracks of light break through your tears given sufficient time to fall. Your heart fell into darkness momentarily, but the light is slipping in and the dark is being forced to flee.
Images of broken light which
dance before me like a million eyes
That call me on and on across the universe
I’m not sure I understand this at all God. You don’t have to. You just have to let go and trust me.
Thoughts meander like a
restless wind inside a letter box
they tumble blindly as
they make their way across the universe
I can’t think this one through. I can’t find the reason to this one question: Why?
You don’t have to have all the answers if you trust in Me.
Fine then. I’m trusting You! I’m stepping out in faith. I’m leaving the comfort of my sorrows.
Choose to be joyful. Be grateful. Be a light to others.
Sounds of laughter shades of life
are ringing through my open ears
exciting and inviting me
Limitless undying love which
shines around me like a million suns
It calls me on and on across the universe
Several increments of time later: You’re right. I think I’m going to make it. Even with scars, I’m going to be okay.
Indeed you will my child; indeed you will.
Nothing’s gonna change my world
Nothing’s gonna change my world
Nothing’s gonna change my world
Nothing’s gonna change my world
Something’s gonna change my world
Lyrics to “Across the Universe” (center text) – The Beatles
There’s crack in everything; that’s how the light get in. – Leonard Cohen
“Maybe you have to know the darkness before you can appreciate the light.” – Madeleine L’Engle
From Designzzz.com (Could not find name of artist—my apologies)
House of secrets;
Glassed in shame.
House of lies;
Bricked in pain.
Fear of abandonment,
The Devil’s gain.
Loss of control
Drives you insane.
Crisis comes,
Not a friend around.
Outside the voices judge you,
In your head condemnation resounds.
Paralyzed by spasmodic fear,
You blindly choose.
Knowing at the end of options
You exhaustively loose.
In the crowd,
You’re frightfully alone.
Outwardly smiling,
Yearning for home.
Home of your true heart,
Built on trust.
Painted with truth,
Not hidden by dust.
If you could just rest,
This heart of rust.
To lose all fear,
And reclaim the love.
Your forgotten birth right,
From your Father above.
Inside awaits redemption
Whose love heals all these scars.
Unchains your bright light,
And ignites the stars.
Liz Gray
It’s these same themes I keep revisiting in writing and especially in life in general:
We don’t really have control; it’s always been an illusion
Acceptance is the only way out of darkness
There’s no such thing as coincidence
When we know this at our core, life gets easier. Clarity comes into focus. You start realizing every prior moment in your life was orchestrated in such a way to bring you to this one. What will you do with it? What will you do now?
Most people hit a point in life where they start asking the big questions:
Why am I here?
What is it that will make me truly happy?
Is this all there is?
Will I get the rough relationships smoothed out?
Will I obtain the desired relationship I don’t yet have?
Will I accomplish my goals professionally?
Will I have time to make my dreams come true?
Will I accomplish these things before my time runs out?
Externally, do I present myself to others the way I view myself?
More than ever, we now live in a world of disconnect. We find out about new babies, weddings, funerals, and news of the world and news of those we love by way of social media. We respond in equal measure with our affirmations of LIKE or by hammering a few words out as a reply. If we don’t respond, we can always feign ignorance. We can pretend we didn’t see something we don’t want to know or deal with. No one else is the wiser.
We disconnect from others, but more so, we like to disconnect from the discomfort of having to answer hard questions about our life. We become too busy to find the answers.
But are we living true? Are we at peace?
There are two possibilities we receive when attempting to answer questions where the answer isn’t yet clearly revealed:
Anxiety or Acceptance
Anxiety usually involves stewing, ruminating, playing a situation or conversation over and over in your head. Rewind; play, repeat! Each time it replays, new details emerge and our anger and our fears become embellished. Before long we are living in non-truth. I’m convinced at my core that is where our feelings of unworthy, unlovable, undeserving, unforgiveable, and our inability forgive or move on lie. Yes, where they LIE. We are created to live in peace and be at peace, but sometimes we live as if we are the main characters in M. Scott Peck’s People of the Lie.
Acceptance is freedom! It means giving up control of others or having to know the outcome of things. Acceptance allows good to come into your life because you are open to it. You’ll be free to notice beauty, goodness, love, and truth in the smallest of things in life. You will realize that there are no coincidences, and that even bad moments can be used for good, if you can have proper perspective. Positivity, wisdom, empathy, and love first start with acceptance of the way things actually are.
Easy to say, but how do you transition from anxiety to acceptance?
Oh, if only it were easy. This is life’s great journey. There are thousands of books in the self-help section. There are motivational speakers, there’s church and the Bible and other holy books. There are therapists, psychiatrists, musicians, artists, and friends all who are happy to give you their two cents worth.
How do you usually first respond to challenges?
Emotionally–You immediately feel angry, hurt, or a strong need to defend your position.
Logically–You need to explain and rationalize and get to the bottom of why or what now.
Well, maybe the answer is spiritual in nature. Sometimes the big questions do involve our faith—faith in God, faith in ourselves, and above all faith that God is actively involved in our lives and situations. If we are courageous enough to believe that, than our need to control life and find justification in our feelings and responses diminishes.
We can just live aware of each moment. We can take a step back and WAIT. Wait before feeling or speaking or explaining. We can wait for wisdom to show us the right way to respond.
Bono’s right when he sings “I’m not easy on my knees” in Love and Peace or Else. In the next line he sings, “Here’s my heart, you can break it. I need some release, release, release.” Indeed! Sometimes God allows things that crack our hard hearts of stone. Those with tender hearts of glass are even more easily shattered. The next part is up to us. It’s our Moment of Surrender.
I hope you will able to surrender that which is hard, or hurtful, or defies explanation. When we finally can surrender or let go, we are able to find the rhythm of our soul; we can live in peace and live true. I’m convinced once we are able to surrender; we lose our chains. Then we can then let God’s love and light in our life, and then live our life as mirrors by reflecting to others all we’ve been blessed with.
Open your heart to the rhythm of yes. Surrender. You too are loved.
At the moment of surrender
I’m falling to my knees
I did not notice the passersby
And they did not notice me
I’ve been in every black hole
At the altar of a Dark star
My body’s now begging
Though it’s begging to get back
Begging to get back
To my heart
To the rhythm of my soul
To the rhythm of my consciousness
To the rhythm of yes
To be released from control
What is it about a beach sunrise that trumps a regular sunrise? Yesterday morning I had my feet propped up on a deck rail, a warm coffee in my hand, two sweet dogs laying by my side, and watching the ocean on the horizon.
Such sweet relief! Our souls often feel weathered due to the storms we’re forced to endure. We learn:
Change is the only constant we navigate by
Waves continuously change and crash, but the sea and the mysterious laws that govern it are eternally constant. I sat there vaguely pondering this, but mostly I was trance like in a state of non-thought.
Then my dear friend of twenty years came out with a plate of delicious fresh garden tomatoes grown with the help of her hands and love for gardening. We sipped our coffee as we watched the sea. “Look!” she said. “Dolphins!” A pair of dolphins were swimming just past the waves’ breaking point parallel to the shore line.
I rarely stay at such quiet beaches, so I had yet to see dolphins at sunrise. I’ve hoped for it on many trips, but never got to see them with my own eyes–until yesterday.
It’s real, I thought. I never saw dolphins swim at sunrise before, not because they didn’t exist or I wasn’t looking hard enough, but because it wasn’t my time to see. Prayers are answered in God’s time, not ours.
There is nothing like the ocean that seems to settle our faith and our doubts between the temporary and the eternal like watching the ocean for an extended period of time. Our soul is soothed as we watch the ocean free from life’s pressures, distractions, noise, and rampant thoughts that compete for our attention. Ah, to just watch the ocean with a truly open mind, and without awareness of time passing.
See God has planted the seed of eternity in every man’s heart. It’s hard not to love the sea whose every breaking wave crashes onto shore, only to return softly back to itself. From a distance it’s so beautiful. But if you are standing at the waves’ breaking point, all you hear is loudness and feel its fury. You certainly feel the power if you attempt to stand there. Fixing your feet here is impossible. But a few yards ahead or behind the breaking point, all is calm.
Our lives are exactly like that. The storms come. The circumstances come in bulk and threaten to pull us under. We are standing at the breaking point where it’s loud, and we’re unsteady on our feet. We see the shore and we see the horizon, but in the midst of the breaking point’s fury, we can’t seem to move further out to sea or return to shore.
Yes, viewing the ocean from the distance of being across the street, I had a wider and quieter view then when lying on the sand only a few feet from where the tide comes in. I look at the sea from this distance and feel nothing but peace from the top of my head to the tips of my toes still sugared in bits of yesterday’s sand. All is well with the world—or at least, in this moment, in mine.
Yet I know this same sea has blanketed fury on coastal cities in time past. It’s destroyed property and taken lives. Untold thousands have drawn their last breath of air before succumbing to the ocean’s depths. Boats and ships sink. Storms come. People drown. My worst sea nightmare would be of being stranded in a life boat, dying of thirst, yet wondering if I’d be rescued.
Yesterday I watched dolphins swim across the ocean. Somewhere else in the world, in this very same sea, somebody else was on a sinking boat fighting to stay alive. At their moment of peril, did dolphins cease to exist? While I marveled at the magnificence of dolphins, did I not care for the person struggling in the sea just because I didn’t see them or know of it?
Our circumstances, perspectives, beliefs, and geography separate us, yet we are still united in our humanity. When one suffers, humanity suffers even when others are not aware. Thankfully, God sees the big picture of our lives with an ultra-wide angle lens—a perspective we can’t conceive. It is not constrained by width or depth or time. God is able to see both these moments, and every moment and every one.
I want to have and maintain peace like I did yesterday morning. Can we have daily peace, even though there is continual chaos in the world, even in our own lives? If so, how God?
5 If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. 6 But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.7 That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. 8 Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do. James 1:5-8
This is one of the hardest and truest bible verses to me. We are told that it is our doubts that blow our lives all around, sometimes to bits! Our circumstances and our emotions toss us in such a way we can’t find True North, we can’t navigate our way home. We get pulled between other peoples’ words to us and expectations of us and our feelings towards it all. We don’t find solutions, because we don’t believe we will.
We get tossed by each event that threatens to overtake us, simply because we’re out of control. We already know that in many circumstances, the control was never ours to possess anyway. Still we fight the Captain of our soul for command of the wheel. Sometimes our own mutiny is the real cause of our undoing.
It’s been said that seeing is believing. But the real truth is believing is seeing.
Would I have believed in dolphins had I never seen them at sunrise yesterday? Of course! I’ve known dozens of people who have already seen them; I’d seen them on TV and pictures. That’s a no-brainer. Everyone knows dolphins exist.
But God? That’s another matter. It can be hard to either believe God exists or that He actually is good or cares for you or the world that you live in. How could God care or be good when there are storms such as wars, disease, famine , poverty, injustice, and cruelty inflicted on living beings that God breathed life into in the first place? Are those people or creatures less valuable to God then we are? Of course not! Then why?
WHY is the question we don’t have the luxury of asking. When we do, our brain is limited in the answers it provides. We can’t find rationale for pain or unfairness; our limited explanations don’t satisfy. That dissatisfaction breeds doubt, and the cycle of being tossed about commences.
WHY is the universal question whose answer is like the sea. It rises up, and then rolls back out. We think we almost know sometimes; we think we have our lives figured out. Then the storms come.
We have to trust in our faith that assures WHO, and not the knowledge that seeks to explain WHY. Don’t allow waves of doubt to take your truth back to sea.
Man tries to explain his life and events, and the most brilliant, pedigreed people still fail miserably. Life is a mystery. The question is can you be at peace and NOT have answers sometimes?
I hope so. That’s faith—being comfortable in not knowing the outcome or why. If we can choose to live our lives as mirrors, so that our words and deeds reflect light and love, rather than a telescope that tries to see and explain time and circumstance—that’s vision. If we can choose to love God and believe he exists, even though life isn’t fair, that’s true freedom. Doing these things diminishes doubts, until they eventually die.
We don’t get to choose the location, timing, or severity of our storms. We only can decide on who is in charge of our ship that sails over every breaking wave. Choose well so that you can navigate safely.
Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see. Hebrews 11:1
Every breaking wave
On the shore
Tells the next one there’ll be one more
I don’t know if I’m that strong
I don’t know if I’m that strong
Don’t know if I’m that strong
To be somebody
To need someone……….
……..The waves know
We’re on the rocks
Drowning is no sin
You know
That my heart
Is the same place yours has been
On July 4th I published my post (Out of Control) Freak. I woke up that day, wrote, and got on with my day making plans for July 4th with friends and family. It seemed like another day, with the added bonus of being off work in the middle of the week. I didn’t know the world was crumbling, changing form only a few feet from my home.
In the middle of the afternoon, the hundred degree heat sat thick and heavy on the ground. The sky grew black. An explosion of thunder crashed as if a bomb went off. Severe lightening and a pounding rain assaulted the heat. Though it was ominous outside, I felt safe and secure in the comfort of my little world at home, near the half of family that was here and I prayed for my half that wasn’t here.
It appeared as if all was ok in my world, save for the barrage of fire trucks, police, and ambulances that began to flood our neighborhood. I was busy writing and didn’t know only a block away, a fellow neighbor’s home was burning to the ground. They were on vacation as their house perished in flames and smoke. I also didn’t know that just over my fence, my neighbor of seventeen years got the dreaded phone call we beg God to spare us from:
I’m sorry; there’s been an accident. Your husband was killed.
Struck was the word used. Yet he died as he lived; he was in the middle of doing something he loved. He went for an afternoon ride on his bike before they were to leave for the beach. What happens in a single hour?
A man who’s pedaled thousands of miles is struck by a truck in the middle of his ride.
Gawkers flood our street and follow plumes of smoke to see what is happening.
Pyrotechnicians are busy fusing fireworks on a platform while preparing for possible rain.
A neighbor rings my doorbell. My writing time is interrupted.
Why isn’t my daughter back from work yet?
My friend is finishing packing bags and coolers when the telephone rings.
I want to finish my tasks so I can enjoy fireworks in a few hours.
Paramedics desperately try to save a man who was hit while riding his bike.
Thunder explodes. Lightening crashes. Then the rain comes.
It’s just another day. It never is.
Control of our lives is always an illusion. I grieve for the moments I’ve lost due to anger, resentment, or frustration where I didn’t have control. I wish I could take back moments I made the wrong choice or said words I shouldn’t have. I wish I could freeze time and stay in the moments that were beautiful: The moment you hold your new baby for the first time, the moments when you intensely loved and were loved, the sweet moment your child hugs your neck and jumps up on you. We can’t; we’re out of control.
In life, sadly we get no do-overs. We don’t get to remake yesterday; we only create today. I found out by watching the evening news, something I rarely do anymore. I felt sick, but prayed for courage and walked over in the rain to see my neighbor yesterday. We shared quite a few conversations over the years. We watched as new babies were born, and chatted when the kids played at the pool. For years I smiled when I would wash dishes at my sink and watch her three rambunctious boys play with their dog and their dad outside my window.
Now there’s a good family I’d think. They lived, and they worked, and they loved. They loved Jesus, had cook outs, threw the Frisbee to the dog, and made plans for their future. But they didn’t make this one.
In a few hours, I’ll be sitting in a church, most likely crying with hundreds of other friends and family members I do not know. I’m sad and stunned by the loss of a great neighbor. I can’t even begin to comprehend their loss of a father and husband who was cherished.
I only know this: They are not alone. When I went to visit yesterday, the house was full. Full of comforting friends, grieving grandmothers, crawling babies, church ladies making food, and a sad dog wondering why all the people but no papa. I walked in, and my newly widowed neighbor was laughing. Laughing! She was briefly in a happy moment as she was showing pictures to relatives. This made me cry. I knew when she turned around, there I’d be, another face with tears that kept repeating and confirming: It’s real. It happened. He’s gone. I’m so sorry.
Hugs and tears were exchanged. My feeble words were compensated for by God’s loving grace. I was astounded by this mom’s great faith, for these dark hours where she stands and greets people warmly, clasps their hands and repeatedly says, “thank you.” I reel at the unfairness of life. I want to take this from her and spare her loving sons. I can’t. I have zero control. They are going to walk through this anyway.
This is the moment we live our faith. How do we respond when we go through what we didn’t ask for and once we are made aware of what someone else is going through? I don’t know exactly; I know I can only start with this: I pray. I ask for wisdom, grace, comfort, and time to give these things. I thank God for time we share with family, friends, neighbors, even when it’s brief. I beg God for mercy and ask for all needs to be met. I ask for this family to be surrounded by lots and lots of love, especially the long days ahead.
Every moment is indeed a gift; it really is a present. I pray today that you can unwrap the love and then give it away.
Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. Isaiah 43:1-2
Though our grief is devastating, God’s grace truly is amazing.
Wild Child! Such a fitting nickname for me, and so many of my friends—that is if we were still stuck in the 1980s. Ah yes, the carefree 1980s when life was a continuous party, with intermittent breaks reserved for school and part time jobs. Oh wait, that’s right, we brought the party with us then, so school really was a place of “higher education” and retail and fast food jobs could be experienced as “funemployment”.
Bonfires, boys, beer cans, secrets, laughter, dreams, and things with a funny smell were passed haphazardly amongst friends–we dreamers who were grappling with an idea of what we wanted, but still couldn’t quite name. Though we were young, clearly we had left childhood, yet still had no clue what it meant to grow up—yet.
Who doesn’t remember the boy or girl at the party who was the center of attention, you know, the one who everyone said, “Man, he (she) is TOTALLY
Out of Control!
Why that was a badge of honor! It meant you were superior at taking risks, yet skilled enough to stop with smoke coming off your heels, before diving off a cliff completely.
Fast forward the VHS tape of our lives about twenty five years. Out of control takes on a different meaning. Translation: I’m losing it!
It means you still don’t quite have it together yet. You grew up. You became responsible. You make lists of things to do, schedules for work, family, and activities. You call people back, as well as reply by email, text, Twitter, and Facebook, all of which we missed out on in the 1980s. You either faced someone in person or phone, or avoided them, plain and simple. Now there’s no excuse for avoidance—we can be stalked by phones (of the land, cell, or smart variety) computer, and quite possibly GPS.
Back in the 80’s we lived, and dreamed about working—a little. Now we’re “on” 24/7 and are most likely on speed dial with our boss, our clients, our spouses, our kids, our friends, and extended family. Now we work a lot, and dream about what we would be doing if we were actually living. You know what I mean, that thing we’d be doing, when we weren’t being so frustratingly responsible.
Hear me correctly. Responsibility is good; no, it’s great! We all can think of the self-chosen few who didn’t take responsibility seriously and missed the boat in terms of careers, family, or being independent. It’s just that with all the responsibility that continuously weighs on us, who doesn’t dream from time to time of just letting go for a while.
Somewhere around forty plus, you realize you’re at the mid-way point. You question yourself. Am I successful (enough)? Did my family/life turn out the way I hoped, more or less? Should I have become more? Should I have worked less? Am I where I am supposed to be?
Maybe you grew up and made good choices and tried to do everything right. Still:
Life happened.
People still died. The divorce happened anyway. You got let go, after all those years. You had to downsize from your dream home. Someone you loved abandoned you. Your child rebelled anyway. You were told your child has autism. You didn’t think your spouse would get cancer so young. Or maybe, you became a smashing success, but somehow the happiness you thought was attached to it, eluded you anyway.
Here’s the deal: It was always about control. In our rebellious youth we acted as if we didn’t need it, and by the very act of pretending and avoiding it; we proved we were already mastering deception–the very foundation of control.
Yes, we post our notes, and fill our calendars, and answer our email, all the while, we kid ourselves thinking we know what tomorrow brings. Yet we know we’re just one phone call away from devastation, or a kiss away from an unforeseen good-bye, and sometimes the miracle moments too, the ones you never saw coming that leave you breathless. Proverbs 16:9 reminds us that in our heart we make our plans, but God always directs our steps.
We crave control, and try to order our lives in such a way that we appear to have it. But if you’re like me, God will occasionally interrupt your bliss and hand you a six-pack of situations. Pop! ZZZZZZZ! Start chugging baby. Before you have time to accept the harshness of the first bitter swallow, BLAM! Have another one baby! And another! Go ahead; drink your fill! There’s more where this came from!
I’m not calling God a party-crasher. I’m just saying– none of us get to stay at the party of endless fun! We all get called to come home. Funny thing is, when we surrender our need for all of it, all this control, and can truly turn to someonehigher than ourselves, we can finally rejoice in letting go of what we never really had.
We’re out of control though. It happens. IT HAPPENED! Out of control. OUT OF CONTROL!!
We got spirit, we got soul! We got some big ideas; we’re out of control!!
u2areloved 